


only difference is, now, I barely feel it, anymore

by Balthamos



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Boundaries, Demisexual Matteo Florenzi, Depression, M/M, Medication, and it's side effects
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:42:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27021445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Balthamos/pseuds/Balthamos
Summary: It's always good between them, yes there's a deep and fundamental understanding between them, the way they can always read each other's needs. But also they just talk, they always talk before, during, and after and because of that it's always beautiful.
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David Schreibner
Comments: 4
Kudos: 50





	1. 'cause you've been staring at that roof so long i'd swear it's come alive

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt:
> 
> Request time. It's about communication but kinda about sex (during?). You once wrote something about Demi Matteo and pushing and I loved that so much. It is so rare to get healthy communication with that topic. So davenzi communicating healthy about/during sex, maybe there is a little misunderstanding idk, but they work through it.

David was feeling in a particular kind of mood. Horny, that was the only way to describe it. There was no point kidding himself. In fairness, it wasn’t exactly his fault. He was in the kitchen watching Matteo cooking, standing at the counter, chopping vegetables. His boyfriend was wearing a loose-fitting pale blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up, showing off his arms. It was David’s shirt but he loved it on Matteo, and he loved him showing off his arms. There was a tea towel over his shoulder and he was swaying to some quiet music that was playing from the speakers. 

David couldn’t help it, he wanted to touch, wanted to do more than touch. He stood up from the stool and approached Matteo, draping himself over him, placing his hands on his hips, dipping his thumbs underneath the waistband of his jeans. Matteo sighed and shifted back, pressing closer. 

David couldn’t help himself, he started to press kisses along Matteo’s collarbones, his hands tracing up his chest and unbuttoning the top few buttons of his shirt, giving him better access. Matteo shuddered in his arms and sighed, leaning against him fully now, making David support his weight. He didn’t mind one bit, all that was on his mind was taking care of his boyfriend, loving him, worshipping him. 

He knew they were supposed to be having dinner but it had been weeks since they’d last done this. Yes, he was horny but he also just missed him. Missed the closeness, the intimacy. He’d been so busy with film school, second term was far harder than the first and it had wiped him out. He’d been staying late at school, working on intense projects. His workload was immense. All he’d been able to do the past few weeks was come home and crawl into bed.

Matteo left early for work so that was also out of the question. He’d also been tired anyway, not really in the mood for anything that expended too much energy. It got like that sometimes but as long as he got cuddles David was perfectly happy.

But he’d missed his boyfriend, wanted to spend the next few hours just the two of them, locked away in his room. Forgetting about work and school and deadlines. He wanted nothing on his mind but Matteo, wanted to be the only thing going through Matteo’s head. Just them, the rest of the world forgotten. 

They had the whole weekend, David had finally caught a break in his schedule that coincided with Matteo’s, but he couldn’t wait to be done with dinner, he wanted Matteo right now. Wanted to focus all his energy on him.

He reached behind him and turned off the oven that Matteo was preheating.

“David,” Matteo whined.

“You hadn’t even started,” David teased, tracing his lips up Matteo’s neck and along his jaw.

“Because of you distracting me,” Matteo muttered.

“Well you’re distracting me, looking so good up here,” David said, pressing a kiss just behind his ear, causing him to shiver and collapse the last of his weight into David. David just tightened his grip, held him tight.

Matteo sighed and turned in his arms. David’s hands immediately going back to his waist, his head ducked to press his lips to Matteo’s chest, now exposed from the shirt that was hanging off his shoulders.

“David,” Matteo whispered.

David just smirked and continued to trail kisses over his chest.

“Not in here David,” Matteo warned.

He was right of course, getting caught by Laura would be mortifying. She was out with friends but it would be just his luck for her to return and walk in on them. He just grinned and straightened up. He reached down and grabbed Matteo’s wrist, tugging him toward the bedroom and ignoring his grumbling about the state he’d left the kitchen. As soon as they were safely in his room he pushed Matteo against the door and locked it then dragged him over to the bed, practically throwing him onto it, then climbing on top of him.

“Ok?” he checked, tugging off his t-shirt. There was nothing underneath, it was hot in the apartment and it had just been the two of them all day. David wasn’t ashamed to admit he was pretty much still in his pyjamas. Not quite but a baggy t-shirt and joggers. They really were having the laziest Saturday. The only reason Matteo was even wearing a shirt was because he’d been rifling through David’s wardrobe and had picked it out. Matteo stared up at him, eyes wide, blinking as he caught up with the fact he was suddenly on the bed.

“Er… yeah,” Matteo said slowly, still a little dazed from being dragged about all over the place.

David gave him a moment to adjust to being flung about like that. He just grinned down at him and unbuttoned the remaining buttons on his shirt, pulling him up and pushing it off his shoulders.

“Ok?” David checked again as his hands drifted down to the waistband of Matteo’s jeans, he knew they were going fast and tried to slow things down a little.

Matteo nodded and David helped him out of his jeans then wriggled out of his joggers, unlike Matteo he hadn’t even been wearing underwear. Clearly, he’d woken up like this. Ready to go, it was amazing he’d made it all day without jumping Matteo if he was honest. Probably only managed as long as he did because neither of them had gotten up till midday. It had been a tiring week. He was awake now though.

He reached out and cupped a hand around Matteo’s face, leaning down to kiss him softly. “Still ok Matteo?” he asked, just a whisper against his lips.

“Yeah,” Matteo murmured.

He waited.

“I’m ok,” Matteo said, a little louder, a little firmer.

David grinned and lay back down over him, kissing him slow and deep until he was shuddering in his arms. He slowly crawled down his body running his fingers down his chest, following them with his lips. Gentle kisses, keeping things slow. 

Eventually, he reached Matteo’s hips. He grinned up at Matteo and reached for the waistband of his boxers, just tracing it with his fingers. He dipped his index finger under the elastic, about to check when Matteo shivered violently and gripped his wrist. Tight. 

David frowned and watched carefully, pulling his finger back and tracing it over the fabric, soothing him.

“Matteo still ok?” he checked, still watching his face. David was certain now that the answer was no but he wanted to see what Matteo was going to say.

“Yeah fine,” Matteo said but it was clear he was the furthest thing from fine. His eyes were closed tight. The hand that didn’t have a grip on his wrist was balled into a fist. His whole body was tense, trembling slightly but not in a good way.

David frowned. When he moved the hand at Matteo’s waistband the grip on his wrist became tighter than ever. Painful almost.

“Just… I need a minute,” Matteo muttered.

“No Matteo,” David whispered, the flash of fear and devastation in his eyes when he opened them made David feel ill. Slowly, carefully David extricated himself from Matteo’s grip and climbed off of him.

Matteo immediately sat up. “No wait, I can, I’m ok David don’t go,” he said panicky.

“Matteo I’m here, I’m not going, I’m here,” he insisted, pulling on his joggers again. Then he grabbed a soft sweater and another pair of joggers and handed them to Matteo. He waited but Matteo just stared down at them. David put the joggers aside but tugged the sweater over his boyfriend’s head. When he was covered again he relaxed slightly.

David placed a hand in the centre of his chest and pushed him down, laying beside him, reaching out and stroking the hair from his face.

“Sorry,” Matteo muttered eventually.

David had been expecting that. 

“What for?” he asked gently.

Matteo shrugged.

“Matteo I’m sorry but we have to talk about this ok? Why are you sorry?”

“For not feeling like it, it’s been weeks and I just…”

“You don’t want to have sex?” David clarified, keeping his tone as gentle as possible without coming across as patronising.

Matteo sighed and rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. He swallowed hard and tried to blink back tears. David kept a little space between them but reached out and held his hand over Matteo’s. Matteo grabbed it and held tight.

“Yeah,” he whispered.

“It’s ok, you know that right?”

“You wanted to,” Matteo said.

David sighed, he’d hoped that wasn’t what Matteo was thinking but he wasn’t surprised that it was.

“I did, but not if you don’t, never if you’re not into it. You understand that right? That I never want to do anything if you aren’t feeling up to it,” David said.

Matteo shrugged again and David sighed. Matteo was holding things back. They were very open, never did anything without talking it through, making sure they were both comfortable. 

It was absolutely necessary for David, the night before their first time they’d talked about it at length. It had been a pretty awkward conversation both of them dumb, nervous, and inexperienced with what they were talking about. But at the same time the words flowed easy between them as always. They could laugh at their nerves, tease each other when they floundered it was fine. And it had helped a lot. David was able to express his fears over his body, make it clear to Matteo that it might be difficult for him but that he wanted to try, wanted to be intimate with him. And Matteo had been just as unsure, for different reasons but he was just as nervous as David. But he wanted it just as much and it had been perfect. It had been clumsy and they had been nervous but the only word David could ever use to describe that first time was tender.

He’d never thought it could be as easy as that with another person but he knew it was because they talked. They talked and they laughed and they even bickered but it was always so good. 

And even though Matteo was a little awkward about it, tried to brush it off with a shrug they kept talking always. Before, during, after, and David was sure it was always good for that exact reason.

He always made sure Matteo spoke up because he was bad at putting his own comfort first sometimes. This was what was happening now. So they needed to talk. He sat up and pulled Matteo up with him, sitting opposite him with legs crossed.

“This is important, we can’t brush over it, ok Matteo? I need you to talk to me without shrugging it off, I need you to tell me how you’re feeling right now,” David said.

“Like shit,” Matteo muttered.

“Ok thank you, why?”

“Just do.”

“It’s ok to not want to have sex,” David reminded him.

“We haven’t had sex in weeks,” Matteo countered, David was aware of it but as something that was at the back of his mind. For Matteo, it had obviously been eating at him.

“Yeah I know, but that doesn’t mean we have to right now. Yes I know I jumped you but I was just horny, have been all day. You were standing there looking hot and I couldn’t help myself. But we don’t have to do anything ok?” 

Matteo sighed and reached out to the nightstand, David frowned as Matteo pressed the box of medication into his hand then threw himself down on the bed, curling away from him.

David almost always got Matteo, could read him easily, even when he was horny and his boyfriend was lying to him, trying to push himself, he could read him. He’d sensed something was up, slowed down, kept checking. Nothing was ever going to happen there, even if Matteo had insisted he was fine. 

Sometimes Matteo didn’t say much and he didn’t need to, David almost always understood him. This was not one of those times, this time he needed Matteo to explain what was going on in his head.

He turned over the box of Matteo’s antidepressants and slipped out the little blister strips. The pills had been popped through up to Saturday, that was today so he wasn’t behind. The little pamphlet fell out. Hadn’t even been unfolded. David had to admit he was just as bad, had read it the first time he got his shots and never bothered since. Even though he was supposed to. He read through the various directions of Matteo’s meds then sighed.

“You think it’s the meds?” he asked.

“Yeah I think so, I just… since I started it’s like it’s all just slowed down,” he mumbled.

“It says temporary,” David reminded him.

“It’s been four months David,” Matteo said, finally turning to look at him.

Matteo had gone onto antidepressant medication after a particularly heavy episode. A month where just getting out of bed wiped him out, where he could do nothing but work and sleep. Unable to show interest in anything, struggling to eat, to make himself take care of himself. His nights spent crying and stressing, pacing the bedroom frantically until he collapsed. 

He’d been in therapy for three months at that point and his therapist had pushed him to the doctors. Two appointments and some bloodwork to confirm there was nothing physical and he had a confirmed diagnosis of depression. And he needed to take medication, it wasn’t going to go away. It wasn’t necessarily forever but it was something he needed right now.

David tried to count back check the correlation but it was hard. They didn’t have sex that whole month he was depressed for obvious reasons. There had been no immediate change to Matteo’s mood with the pills, he just slowly started to feel better. Gradually his energy increased and things started going back to normal, they’d had sex maybe a handful of times since he’d come out of it. David couldn’t tell if it was the medication or his recovery. Possibly both.

He put the pills and the papers back in the box and tossed it aside, laying down beside Matteo.

“Talk to me, don’t shrug, please talk to me, tell me what’s going through your head,” David said.

“It’s… it doesn’t matter, I’ll talk to my doctor, I’ll get them to switch to something else,” he said.

David shook his head. “No you won’t Matteo,” he said.

“But-”

“Why would you switch?” David asked.

“Because we can’t have sex when I’m like this,” Matteo said, sounding like it was the most obvious reason in the world.

“Ok but… for me or for you? It’s only valid if it’s because you want to have sex, if you’re doing it because you think I want to then it’s not ok,” David said.

“I…”

“Are they helping you? The meds?”

Matteo closed his eyes and nodded. “I don’t… I feel so good in my head David, it’s not… nothing’s better but it’s just… it’s not so hard anymore,” he said.

“Then I don’t think you should give them up, not yet,” David said.

“Is it ok?” Matteo asked quietly.

“Come here,” David said, pulling Matteo close.

Matteo rolled on top of him and David ran a hand through his hair

“It’s ok with me, is it ok for you?” David asked.

“I… I don’t know,” Matteo said.

“Then let’s talk it through.”

“Hm?

“Talk to me Matteo,” David said, tracing his fingers down Matteo’s sides, rubbing soothing circles on his waist. Reminding him that he still wanted him, even if they couldn’t do anything right now or ever David always wanted him. Desired him but not just for sex, it was so much more than that. He wanted his company, his touch, wanted him to hold him on his off days, comfort him the only way he knew how. He wanted to be with Matteo all the time and this wasn’t going to change that. 

“I don’t want to never have sex again,” Matteo mumbled.

David knew this was hard for him, was making him feel inadequate, broken, wrong. It was bullshit, sex didn’t make them whole. It was wonderful, perfect with Matteo every time, David wanted it always but it wasn’t a need. It didn’t make him any less that he couldn’t right now. It didn’t make either of them any less if they didn’t want or couldn’t have sex. Because Matteo seemed to be forgetting that there were days when David couldn’t stand sex, couldn’t let himself be vulnerable even with Matteo. And those days, while less now, still happened sometimes.

“Ok but right now?” David asked.

“I don’t want to go back to how I was,” Matteo admitted.

David nodded, tightening a hand on his waist. Matteo was recovering, that was more important. That he got well again. He’d just been through such a lot, he needed to take time. And they had plenty of time, David wasn’t going anywhere.

“Ok so not all antidepressants will kill your sex drive,” David said.

“Mm.” Matteo just buried his head in David’s neck.

“But these work for you right now, it’s only been a few months, and it could still be temporary. It’s not just the meds Matteo you’ve just been through it, that takes a toll on your body as well as your mind,” David said, bringing his hands up to wrap around Matteo’s back, holding him close. 

“I think if I talk to Lea, tell her how I’m feeling, that I don’t want this to be forever, come up with a long term plan,” Matteo suggested, finally sounding a little hopeful.

“Yeah?”

“But it’s going to be a while I… I feel mentally stable for the first time in so long, as in… it’s not looming over me. I know I might get depressed again but for the first time, I think I can handle it or recover quicker. I don’t know, in my head I feel ok. I just… right now I don’t want to give that up just for sex. I love you and I love having sex with you I promise but…”

David had never doubted that but he could see Matteo’s worries. That he would read into it too much, start thinking that Matteo no longer desired him. And he couldn’t bear that thought, the idea of hurting him like that. But David knew that wasn’t what this was. He knew Matteo desired him, saw it in every look he gave him, felt it in the way he constantly touched him, fingers always lingering on his skin. Matteo wanted him always. That desire was about more than sex and it hadn’t gone anywhere. David wasn’t worried at all.

“Your mental health is so much more important Matteo. I know you love me, nothing could ever make me doubt that. You know I love you regardless right? We never have to have sex again if you don’t want to. It changes nothing. I love you ok?”

Matteo closed his eyes from the relief, clearly happy that David got it. “But…”

“Look what about those days where I can’t have sex without a t-shirt or even worse when I need a hoodie too and it’s so warm and uncomfortable but it’s the only way I can stand it. And it’s like why are we even bothering, except I want you, that doesn’t change I just can’t be as exposed sometimes. And what do you do? You wear a hoodie too to make me feel better, so that we’re the same and we’re both absolutely sweating and dying but it’s fun. Because it’s you. It’s fun and it’s silly and it takes my mind off of my worries.

“What about when I just can’t let you touch me in certain places because it hurts me, or the days where it really is just impossible and we can’t do anything. We’ll start and it hits me and I just can’t continue. Never once have you pushed or pressured me why would you think it would be different for you?”

David knew exactly why he thought that.

“Because this is just me being-”

“Matteo,” David warned.

“I…”

“This isn’t your fault, do you know how important your comfort is to me? Do you have any idea how much this whole thing is scaring me because I have to ask you a horrible question and I’m scared to hear the answer?”

“What?” Matteo mumbled.

David gave him a squeeze and took a deep breath.

“I need to know if you’ve done this before,” he said.

Matteo tilted his head, looking up at him confused.

“I don’t understand,” he said.

“I… you tried to push yourself today, into doing something you didn’t feel like doing because of the medication. I think maybe you weren’t even able to push yourself, because of the meds. Because right now the thought of sex is impossible. I need to know if before all this, if you’ve ever pushed yourself,” David said.

He was a little afraid to hear the answer. It was complicated, they were both still learning, had gone into this inexperienced. David had had boundaries he wasn’t willing to cross, Matteo had respected that. But he didn’t quite know his own boundaries, didn’t have the same limits David did. But David would always err on the side of caution rather than risk pushing a boundary Matteo didn’t know he had. He wasn’t over cautious, he just read Matteo’s comfort levels in his face his body language, checked in with him made him speak up. Matteo did the same for him always.

“Not…”

“Matteo I need you to tell me if you’ve ever pushed yourself,” David insisted.

“No or… nothing like this just sometimes…” 

“Tell me, please. Talk to me. There’s nothing wrong, I’m not upset with you. I just… I need to know if I’ve pushed you or you’ve pushed yourself and then we can try not to let that ever happen again,” David insisted.

“Sometimes, it’s just… you’ve never done anything I didn’t want. But… I don’t know…”

David just waited, he needed to speak up, voice this. Matteo stared at him waiting for him to fill the silence but he didn’t. 

“I’ve never lied, when you ask if it’s ok and I say yes it always is but…"

“But?“

“Sometimes it’s only just ok,” Matteo explained.

“On the very edge of ok?”

“Yeah and it really could go either way, and… I’ve never not enjoyed it but…”

Matteo pressed against him, desperate to let go of this. David wouldn’t but he wouldn’t push either.

“Ok ok. One day it might go the other way and it makes me nervous that you might not speak up, Matteo I need you to promise me you would,” David insisted, trying not to sound too desperate.

“But-”

“But nothing Matteo,” David said.

“It’s not a big deal,” Matteo reasoned.

“You know what maybe it isn’t, maybe we have sex when you’re a bit too tired and it isn’t as fun, no big deal right? But then you keep doing it when you’re tired or you’re not feeling it, or even worse we have sex when you’re really not in a good place. How could we come back from that? And Matteo it’s only fun when we’re both enjoying it. If I’m in a bad place you would never even consider having sex, it’s the same, it’s exactly the same ok?”

“Ok but-”

“Matteo-” 

“No no, but those times when it’s a bit hit and miss, I… you know,” Matteo said.

“I know what?” 

“With you, when it’s you sometimes we have to stop?”

“Yeah,” David said quietly, as distressed as he was getting about this he was just as guilty as Matteo of pushing himself sometimes. But he never pushed too hard, knew his limits and they’d always stop.

“But with me sometimes we slow down first, we stop and wait a bit and then I want to, I always end up wanting to. Not because you’re pressuring me,” Matteo explained.

“It just takes longer sometimes?” David checked.

“Yeah,” Matteo said, smiling up at him now that he got it.

“Ok,” David said, feeling relief wash over him. 

That was ok, he could handle that. He always knew to slow down, if that was enough for Matteo, that they just take a bit more time, he trusted him.

“I don’t want to never have sex again,” Matteo reiterated.

David grinned. He knew that, knew right now the state that Matteo was in mentally the urgency wasn’t there. But as he improved he would start getting frustrated, the need would come back. That’s when he could speak to the doctor.

“I know,” David assured him.

“It’s just… I wanted to earlier or… I wanted you, that’s why I kept it going, I didn’t want to have sex or I didn’t feel like it but I still wanted you… sorry that makes no sense?”

It made perfect sense. David knew exactly what Matteo wanted. He smiled then and pushed Matteo up off him so they were sitting again, then he reached out and pulled at the hem of Matteo’s sweater.

“David,” Matteo whispered. 

“Trust me?”

Matteo sighed and nodded. He let David undress him again, unhurried this time, no urgency to it. He just lazily pulled the sweater over his head then lovingly ran his fingers through his hair, smoothing it back down. He reached out and cupped his face, kissing him tenderly. Matteo pulled back and blinked at him, a little dazed, a little unsure but David was going to take care of him. 

David pushed him gently until he was laying down, then he settled beside him. He ran his hands slowly down his body, over his shoulders, down his chest, watching the skin pebble in the wake of his questing fingers. When he reached the waistband of Matteo’s boxers again he waited.

“Can I take them off?” he asked.

“Why?” Matteo whispered, not nervous or uncomfortable, just curious.

David just pressed a kiss to his lips then pinged the elastic causing Matteo to shove him away laughing. David grinned and pulled off his joggers before pulling Matteo back to him. His hand settling on his waist again, Matteo’s hand drifted down to his wrist, not gripping as tight as before, just holding him in place.

“Just want to lay with you,” David said.

Matteo stared for a moment then smiled slowly. He nodded but his hand was still on David’s wrist so he waited. After another moment Matteo nodded again and let go of him. David pushed off his boxers then put his hand back on Matteo’s hip, pulling him close and covering them both with the blankets. He tangled their legs together and sighed.

“Nothing will ever take this from us,” David whispered, “this intimacy we have is not rooted in sex. It comes from how comfortable we are with each other. I could never be like this with anyone but you. It’s a vulnerability I could never show anyone else. Matteo, it’s trust on a level I could never have even imagined before I met you, it’s love,” he said.

“It’s need too,” Matteo said.

“Need?”

“For me, it’s need I… I need this, to be close like this, nothing has ever felt as good on my skin as you,” Matteo whispered.

David held him closer. He knew exactly what he meant, it was different. For Matteo he couldn’t stand certain things touching him but even when he was stressed David’s touch was welcome because he trusted David not to touch when it was too much, trusted him to listen when he revoked that right to touch. For David, it was the idea of being naked with another. He never thought it would be something he could do and certainly not before his body was further along in his transition.

And yet here he was, completely naked in the arms of his boyfriend, skin to skin and nothing had ever felt as good. Fuck sex this was everything. Nothing could take this from them.

They’d only been together a month when they’d done this the first time. It had been after sex, Matteo had been naked, David in a t-shirt. Matteo had whined and pulled away to grab a t-shirt for himself and David had gripped him tight refused to let him go. When Matteo had tried again to get away David insisted he stay, that he wanted to lie naked with him, when Matteo had raised an eyebrow he’d just pulled off his shirt and pressed Matteo against him again.

He played it cool but his heart had been pounding, he’d been terrified to look at Matteo. Matteo had just grumbled, turned in his arms and tangled their legs together, settling comfortably against him. And it had felt so good, to hold him like that, nothing between them and he knew exactly what Matteo meant now.

Because they hadn’t had sex for a while they also hadn’t done this.

“Oh Matteo,” he whispered.

“I missed it and I thought I couldn’t have it anymore,” Matteo said.

“Of course you can, always,” David insisted.

“Always,” Matteo repeated, no longer questioning, just accepting. “I want… I want to get my head on track and there’s no quick fix but I’ve got to put that first for a while,” he said.

“Of course,” David said.

“But I want to have sex with you again,” Matteo said.

That was the third time he’d said that now and David chuckled. He hadn’t been particularly worried but he knew sex was on the cards again in the future.

“Ok it’s like this,” David said, “if you were hurt physically and you were recovering, say if you were in a car crash or knowing how clumsy you are, you fell down the stairs because you were texting-”

“Fuck you!”

“And you broke all your bones, you would have to recover and heal, that’s what this is,” David said.

“I am recovering,” Matteo agreed. “I feel better, I feel like it’ll never be so bad again. I don’t know if I’ll always be on meds but I can’t come off these or even switch yet. I feel good in my head, literally, the only thing I was worrying about was you being annoyed,” Matteo said, sheepishly.

At least he knew how stupid it was.

“Which is the dumbest thing ever so now you don’t have anything to worry about,” David said.

“We’ll take it slow?”

“We will,” David said.

“You’d really stay with me even if we never have sex again?” Matteo asked.

David got it, understood that worry, even if it was completely unfounded he got it.

“I would,” he promised.

“I do want to though,” Matteo said, he was getting pretty adamant. David just kissed him again, then again, tangling his hands in his hair and pressing them closer until he sighed.

“That’s good,” he whispered. “Matteo I’m gonna need you to tell me when you’re ready ok? I need you to do that.”

As easy as it always was between them, the ease with which he read Matteo, his face, his body language, the things he left unsaid, David needed Matteo to take the lead on this. Only he knew his mind and his limits right now and it would be up to him when he was ready again.

“Ok it’s gonna be a while,” Matteo said.

“S’fine,” David said.

“Sure?”

“Sure,” he said firmly.

“This is nice,” Matteo said.

“It is.”

“It feels good,” Matteo said.

“Just what you wanted?”

Matteo nodded.

“I’m glad,” David murmured.

They lay there quietly for a while just pressed together. It was a little too warm, not really that comfortable but it still felt good to have Matteo in his arms. Sex with Matteo was always amazing but laying there afterwards, just them entwined together like that, he could never give that up. The closeness, the intimacy, Matteo was right, it was a need.

“Matteo?” David asked after a while.

“Yeah?” Matteo whispered.

“Kinda getting hungry,” David said.

“Oh fuck you David!” Matteo rolled them over so he was on top of David, pinning him down, scowling at him.

He’d been hungry before, in the kitchen but his horniness had won out. Now he was starving and as comfortable as he had been tangled up in Matteo his stomach wasn’t having it. Matteo clambered over him, grabbing his hands and trying to hold him down. David had no idea how he thought that would work. He flipped them easily, still holding Matteo’s hands and using them to hold him down. Matteo blinked up at him, always surprised when David got the upper hand. David shifted, his knees either side of Matteo’s waist, and leant down until his lips were millimetres from Matteo’s. Matteo stared, eyes wide and a little dazed.

“Feed me,” David said.

Matteo groaned and tugged his hand free, covering David’s face and trying to push him away. David grabbed his wrists and uncovered his face, then leant down and pressed his lips to Matteo’s, kissing him tenderly as he tried not to smile. 

They were going to be fine because they would never stop talking. David knew if he hadn’t jumped Matteo in the kitchen he would’ve come to him, explained what was happening with him. It sometimes took a while but he always did. Knew David was listening and that he could tell him anything, his fears, his worries, his hopes, and his dreams. They could talk about anything and nothing but they always heard each other.


	2. come, hold me to the floor and say it's alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It should be easier. They've talked. David said he will wait. And he will but Matteo's brain won't let him believe that. But despite the fact he is a bit of a mess, he is healing and he'll slowly realise that he absolutely is enough for David.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so this fills like four prompts (outlined below). They all came in around the same time and were very similar. And to me, they all tie together nicely. So we have Matteo realising his limits and boundaries and learning not to push through his discomfort but acknowledge it and talk it through with David. There's the insecurity and fears taking over Matteo's brain hiding the truth from him. And then there's just the difficulties that come with being on meds and the effects that has. 
> 
> There's some angst but plenty of these two talking it through.
> 
> Also, Matteo is demi in this, he's just starting to understand it but the meds have almost highlighted some things for him.
> 
> So the prompts:
> 
> I am the anon who requested the communication thingy. And wow. Theo. That was more than I ever wanted. Also could you imagine writing a little sequel? Matteo being his medication a bit longer. His mood having returned. But him being a bit unsure how to ask for things again?
> 
> I kinda have a prompt sequel? To the communication story. The boys making jokes about how David is more tense than usual and that they are probably "not getting it on". That he needs a "proper fuck". And Matteo feels so guilty and bad about everything and is like getting very self conscious and insecure. And Matteo asks if David could live without sex and David hesitates because ofc something would be missing and then they talk and David is reassuring Matteo in everything?
> 
> Gosh I loved the Talkin about boundaries fic so much. What about you pair it with insecurities and jealousy? David made a new friend who can be very touchy and Matteo is afraid that David will seek this kind of desire from him? Even though he knows it's bullshit and David loves him. Like he KNOWS. but his brain is mean and he is so scared of not being enough. He just wants David to have the best. And he is scared that he can't offer it to him anymore.
> 
> request: i would love to read anything else u have in ur mind about demisexual matteo!!! these little fics mean so much to me

Talking to David, being honest about what he was going through, what he was dealing with, it should've helped things. Should have made everything easier between them. And at first it did, Matteo felt like the pressure was off, that he could just focus on healing, getting better. But then as the weeks passed he started to worry he wasn’t getting better quick enough, that David’s patience had a limit. He started to fear David was going to get frustrated with him.

Matteo still didn’t feel brilliant. Yes, the antidepressants were helping, he felt balanced in his mood, less prone to sinking into the darkness and letting it overtake him. That was a good thing. The medication stopped the difficult things from crushing him, without muting the positive emotions he felt. 

Matteo had been worried about that, it was the reason he’d resisted help for so long. He was afraid of being drugged up and numb to everything. He didn’t want to feel numb, even from the bad feelings if it meant he would lose the good ones. When it had got so bad that the medication was essential, he’d still gotten to talk it through with Magda, the lovely, kind psychiatrist who’d prescribed them. He’d explained all his fears and worries, and while she had made it clear that he didn’t have much of a choice at that point, she would work with him to prevent that happening.

Matteo was an emotional guy, it may not look like it from the outside but he felt things intensely, good or bad. Since he was little he’d always been quick to cry, quick to laugh, he didn't want that to be taken away. He wanted to _feel,_ good or bad. He just wanted to ease that crushing feeling of apathy and dread that settled over him sometimes. He wanted help when the dark thoughts and feelings wouldn’t pass for weeks at a time, when everything felt like the biggest effort in the world. He just needed a little help with it. Therapy was good for that, but the medication helped too. He didn’t know how to describe it but balanced was probably a good word. Heavy-lifting was what David said, that was a good way to put it.

So mentally he was doing better than he had in a long while. Physically though, he felt pretty rubbish. He couldn’t have sex, he got excessively tired sometimes, and his appetite was all over the place. All of this shit was supposed to even out but so far it was still a mess. And he was so cold all the time, he’d always felt the cold but this was on another level. That wasn’t technically a side effect, but he was pretty sure that it was related to the excessive fatigue so he classed it as one.

Then there was David. He’d said he was fine, that he could wait, that he was happy enough with just cuddles but Matteo knew he was lying. Well not lying, but he wanted more, Matteo wasn’t stupid. 

Just yesterday they’d been at a party and David had been all over him. Yeah, he’d been a little drunk but it wasn’t just that party. He was constantly touching him, pressing himself against him, kissing him hard, dipping his hands into his pants. All of it just made Matteo feel pathetic because he couldn’t respond appropriately. He felt completely inadequate, all he wanted to do was shove David away but instead, he let him touch him because he didn’t want to lose him over this.

David had promised that he could wait but Matteo figured he was probably already close to his limit. He was going to get pretty frustrated with him soon and Matteo didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to get better quicker. All that pressure was back on him. 

And now it wasn’t even just between them, even the boys had picked up on it yesterday. Could tell there was something up between them, that they weren’t as touchy-feely as usually. Or that Matteo wasn’t and David seemed more all over him than normal. And they had teased them mercilessly, kept asking David why he was so horny. 

It had been horrible. David had laughed but Matteo just wanted to cry, he felt sick with it all. He was going to lose David because of his fucking brain and the thing was he knew it was the right thing, he couldn’t keep David, that wasn’t fair. David was selfless, he would stay with him out of stupid obligation and end up missing out on what he deserved.

It was all so fucking unfair. Matteo could only think of one solution. He could stop taking the meds, but he desperately didn’t want to. Even in as much turmoil as he was right now, he knew the reason he wasn’t completely spiralling was because he was medicated. 

“You’re crying,” David whispered.

Matteo jumped, he didn’t know David was awake, but then he hadn’t even realised he was crying so he wasn’t exactly that observant right now. Maybe he was spiralling after all, maybe all the drugs did was stop it feeling like spiralling.

He turned to David. “Sorry,” he whispered.

“What’s going on Matteo?” David asked gently.

“Are you still drunk?” Matteo asked with a sigh, observing him carefully.

“No… but I’m feeling rough,” David admitted.

“There’s water and painkillers,” Matteo said.

David smiled tiredly, he sat up and grabbed the strip of pills from the bedside table. He took them and sipped the water slowly.

“You’re the best, always taking care of me,” he said, smiling fondly at Matteo.

It just hurt, everything just hurt right now. He knew he was overreacting, that David couldn’t possibly know what he was doing wrong because Matteo hadn’t even told him. Because Matteo didn’t even know what was wrong anymore.

“Do you miss sex?” Matteo asked.

“I… what?”

David blinked slowly, still half asleep.

“Nevermind,” Matteo mumbled. This was stupid, pushing at this. He needed to leave it alone, needed to stop doing this. He needed to pull himself together so he could have sex with his boyfriend again. He couldn’t keep David waiting forever.

“Hey don’t do that, hold on let me wake up,” David said, scrubbing his hand over his face and gulping down more water. He was clearly thirsty, spilt half of it down himself and when he was done he wiped his mouth with his hand. Not even caring about the state he was in. Probably hungover then. He settled down beside Matteo again. “So we need to talk again?” he asked.

“Sorry,” Matteo mumbled.

“Don’t be sorry, you have nothing to apologise for,” David said, “talk to me?”

“You were all over me at the party yesterday, it was a lot,” Matteo admitted. He closed his eyes, not wanting to see David’s face. He didn’t want to see pity or frustration. Because now he must be getting fed up, now Matteo was saying he couldn’t even touch him. How the hell were they supposed to be boyfriends if they couldn’t even touch?

“Sorry Teo, I was a bit drunk,” David said sheepishly.

Matteo opened his eyes at his tone, David looked so genuinely apologetic. Matteo was beyond confused now, David wasn’t responding at all like he was expecting him to.

“It… it made me feel like shit,” he admitted.

“Oh fuck, Matteo I… the boys were teasing and… I’m sorry that wasn’t ok,” he said.

Matteo looked at him, his hands were clenched at his sides and Matteo knew he was refraining from reaching out and touching him. But he knew right now that wouldn’t be a comfort for him. He was allowing Matteo to set his boundaries. He should’ve done that from the start, how was David supposed to know what he could and couldn’t handle? But Matteo didn't want to stop touching, he didn’t even know what he wanted, he’d just been ignoring it every time something made him a bit uncomfortable and now it was all just a mess.

“I can’t... I can’t handle that right now and it’s not just then either. You do it all the time, you’re always touching me but not in a good way it’s… it doesn’t feel good for me David. You touch me like you want more and you know I _can’t_ David I… I told you, I told you and you said it was ok but now I don’t know… David I can’t. _I can’t_ …”

David twitched almost violently, he clearly wanted to reach out and touch him but he was holding back. This was all so terrible.

“Hey, hey! No that’s not… ok this is on me. Yesterday was just me being a bit drunk and a showoff. The boys were teasing and I’m a competitive asshole, you know it. But I shouldn't have pulled you into it. Matteo, I didn’t realise that the touching made you uncomfortable, I promise I wasn’t expecting anything from you-”

“You were touching me like you touch me when we’re going to have sex,” Matteo said, he was trembling now, felt like he was going to shake apart.

David gave in and pulled him close, didn’t hesitate, knew what he needed right now.

“Oh I… ok I see it, right now you can’t handle that?”

“No,” Matteo whispered.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise,” David said.

“It’s not, it’s so fucking confusing I… I don’t even know. I don’t want you to stop touching me, I don’t fucking know David! I don’t know,” he said, starting to panic. How was he supposed to set his boundaries when he didn’t even know what they were?

“Matteo.” David reached out and rubbed his thumb over Matteo's hipbone. Matteo closed his eyes. It was such a fucking mess. It felt good to be touched but he couldn’t bear what it meant.

David traced his fingers up his sides, causing his skin to prickle. “Does it feel good?”

Matteo nodded. “Yes,” he said when David waited. 

“You like how it feels, but not what it means,” David suggested.

“I can’t David,” Matteo said. 

“I know, _I know_. Matteo, we aren’t having sex again, until you’re ready. But I thought we already talked about this? That you wanted to be touched and held?”

What a nightmare he was. He was messing David about, how the hell was David supposed to know what was ok? 

“I do,” he said, but he didn’t sound all that sure.

“It doesn’t mean anything more than that, do you believe me?” 

David stroked his hair out of his face and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“I can’t,” Matteo mumbled.

“I promise that it’s true,” David said.

“I just… it’s hard for me. Aren’t you frustrated? Please don’t lie,” Matteo said.

As much as it would hurt to hear, he needed to know.

“A little,” David admitted.

Matteo closed his eyes and David rubbed his thumb over his cheek, wiping away his tears.

“Matteo I can deal with not having sex, I promise, but I’m gonna get frustrated ok? I can’t not, it’s you, just because you can’t have sex doesn’t mean you stopped being hot. You’re so beautiful ok? I’m not going to stop wanting you but it’s not a bad frustration, does that make sense? Whether or not we’re having sex that’s just how I feel when I see you.”

That wasn’t what Matteo meant by frustrated. That wasn’t nearly as bad. 

“A little,” he said.

“I want you, I’ll always want you but that’s on me, not you, well it’s a bit on you for being so damn hot, but you can’t help that I guess. But that doesn’t mean anything, doesn’t mean we need to have sex, I was telling the truth, I can wait, forever. You’re the most important thing in the world to me. Your comfort is all I care about. Do you want me to stop touching you?”

Matteo nodded slowly.

“No. Yes. No, I don’t fucking know… don’t... don’t press into me, don't hold me in place don’t… I…”

“Keep going,” David said.

“I can’t handle it, it gets messy in my head,” Matteo explained.

“What else?”

“Don’t… don’t hold me from behind… don’t hold my hips, my waist, I just... it feels wrong at the moment,” he said.

“Ok,” David said. It really seemed to be that simple for him, no problem at all. Matteo finally felt himself relaxing in his arms.

“Ok?”

“Yeah, these are your boundaries, I’ll respect them. If I slip up tell me ok? I can still touch you?”

“Yeah anything else is ok,” Matteo said, snuggling into David.

“Ok if it changes tell me,” David said, pressing kisses to his cheeks.

“Ok, I’m so sorry about all this,” Matteo said.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. Your comfort is the most important thing in the world,” David said.

“I love you,” Matteo said. There was nothing else he could say to that.

“Love you too, I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable last night,” David said, squeezing him tight.

He had and there was no point pretending he hadn’t. Matteo had felt awful, but now, wrapped in David’s arms he felt nothing but safe.

“It was everything, I just, David I feel so inadequate at the moment,” Matteo said.

“I promise you're not,” David said.

“Thank you for getting it,” Matteo said.

David squeezed him again, knowing exactly what he needed. “Always, just talk to me Matteo, don’t ever stop talking to me,” he said.

“You always listen to me, David, no one has ever put my needs first like this,” Matteo admitted.

“They should’ve, I always will but I hate that I’m the first one to do this,” David said. He sounded both angry and devastated at this knowledge.

“It’s because you're the best,” Matteo said. He felt so much better. He knew everything wasn’t fixed yet but he also knew he just had to keep talking to David.

“So are you, and I love you so much ok? Like yeah I’m annoyingly horny sometimes and I know I’ve already forgotten myself a few times but it’s only because you’re in front of me and you’re so damn amazing I can’t help it. I see the effect this medication is having and it’s brilliant, it’s letting you be you, the you I see all the time, it’s letting you see that,” David said.

Damn David just got it, Matteo was seeing himself in a much more positive light these days and if that really was how David saw him, even a fraction of it then a lot of stuff made sense now. Matteo no longer felt useless, David had never seen him that way. Lack of sex aside he no longer felt like a burden, now that he knew he had the strength to pull himself out of his depression it didn’t seem like this huge thing that was going to crush both him and David. He could even see why David would stick around and help. He was starting to see that he wasn’t a bad person, he’d done bad shit, often said rude things when he didn’t think but he wasn’t bad. He always wanted to be as kind as possible and he thought just maybe he might be achieving that. He could almost see why David loved him and wasn’t that a wonderful feeling?

That should’ve settled it, David was right the new meds made him listen to him more than the voice in his head. He felt… it wasn’t quite more confident, but the feeling that David was just going to up and leave if he ever complained, that was fading. He’d always known he could tell David anything, negative or positive but now it was like he really believed it. 

When David forgot himself and sleepily attacked him in the kitchen instead of freaking out he could turn round and tell him to get his horny mitts off him, which David found hilarious and delightful all at once. When they were wrestling, which they still did because Matteo loved that, David would always get distracted now and Matteo could use that to his advantage. He would have been scared of frustrating David, which he was doing but he knew now that David didn’t see it that way. He knew that David would rather be frustrated and be with him than calm and alone. And Matteo got that.

So everything was good.

Until it wasn’t again. Until Max Sunflowers came on the scene. Matteo wasn’t sure that was his real name, that was just what is said on his instagram profile _Max Sunflowers, the sun turns to face me_. And he really was that confident too. Max was David’s new friend, in his visual arts class. They had a few group projects together and got on really well, from there a solid friendship seemed to have formed. And it was just a friendship, Matteo knew that, he didn’t think David was attracted to Max and he knew he would never cheat on him. That wasn’t the problem. 

No, the problem was that Max was probably one of the hottest guys Matteo had ever seen. And he knew it, he had every right to be as confident as he was. He had nothing on David, no one was ever going to come close but he was way hotter than most. Way hotter than him. He was literally everything that Matteo wasn’t and what’s more he was sexy. Literally, everything about him screamed sex. And Matteo knew he probably wanted David and it hurt. He flirted with him all the time, kissed his cheek whenever he saw him, he looked at him in that certain way and Matteo knew it was only a matter of time till he actually made a real move.

He knew David would turn him down, knew he wasn’t interested in anything with Max not really. But he worried that he might be tempted, that this frustration over lack of sex would be too much for him. He would resist but it would be on his mind constantly, what he was missing out on.

Because he knew David would never cheat on him, but he also saw the way David looked at Max. The other day he’d managed to drag Matteo out to the opening of some cool gay club and Max had been there too. There were way too many people so Matteo had stayed off to the side and poor David had dutifully stayed with him, watching Max grinding on some guy, face filled with longing. 

So yeah David wasn't going to cheat but he was probably going to leave. Leave him for someone he could grind against in dark clubs. Leave him for someone who didn’t freak out about being touched in a certain way. Leave him for someone he didn’t have to stop kissing and calm down every five minutes. 

And he would be so nice about it too, let him down so fucking gently and Matteo wouldn’t even be able to argue because he knew David deserved the best.

He knew he needed to talk to David about this, but he couldn't. He was scared he’d end up speeding things along. He just wanted to keep him for a little longer. He always was selfish like that.

But he needed to talk to someone or he was going to have a breakdown. He couldn’t talk to Jonas or the boys, he just wasn’t comfortable being that vulnerable, talking about his sex life, or lack of it with them. He knew they would be ok, he knew they wouldn’t even tease him if he told them not to but he just couldn’t handle it right now, he was too much of a mess. 

But he couldn’t keep it to himself either.

Which was why a few days after the club incident he found himself in the park with Hanna, telling her everything. He lay there, head pillowed in her lap while she stroked his hair and he tried not to cry as he spilled all his worries and insecurities to her. Because Hanna knew insecurities, knew how it felt to not be enough in a relationship. Even though she didn’t get this exact problem, she had an idea of how he was feeling. And it was such a relief to tell her all of it. He didn’t expect her to have the answers but she listened. She would comfort him.

When he was done, she waited patiently for him to calm down, she just pulled him upright and smiled at him.

“So that was a lot,” she said gently.

“I’m being silly?” he asked.

“Not at all, no how you’re feeling is very real. It’s tricky and it’s messy but you’ve done the right thing talking about it,

“It was hard,” he mumbled.

“Embarrassing?”

“Yeah, talking about myself like that,” he admitted. 

He’d never been all that comfortable talking about sex, making jokes sure, teasing the boys was easy, but when it came to himself he didn’t like to talk about it, didn’t think it was anyone’s business but his.

“I get it, it’s awkward, but you got to push through that, and you did so-”

They both startled when Amira dropped down beside them. “Thought it was you two,” she said, smiling at the pair of them. “I have an exam in two hours and if I look at my books any longer my brain is going to explode. Unless I’m disturbing you?”

She seemed to notice how tense Matteo was.

“No, it’s... we’re talking but you don’t have to go,” he said, “but we’re talking about sex,” he warned.

“Ok? So I’m forbidden then?” she asked, grinning.

“No, just it’s about me and sex so thought I’d give you an out,” Matteo said, he didn’t want her dragged into his own awkwardness too, not if she didn’t want any part of it.

“The idea of you having sex is pretty gross but I think I can handle it, I am a medical student, after all, I need the practice in disgusting boys, I guess,” she said.

Matteo rolled his eyes. Great. Now she was going to be giving him sexual health lectures at every opportunity, just to embarrass him.

“Maybe Amira can advise you too, like as a doctor?” Hanna suggested.

He didn’t really need medical advice, he knew what was wrong with him physically.

“She’s a first-year med student Hanna,” Matteo reminded her.

“Hey! I’m an incredibly smart first-year medical student!” Amira exclaimed, thumping him on the arm. “What seems to be the problem? Some kind of sexual dysfunction Matteo?” she teased.

She was joking obviously but she’d pretty much hit the nail on the head.

“Yeah,” he admitted.

She looked a bit sheepish at that. “Oh,” she said, turning to face him properly.

“Yeah,” he mumbled, looking down at his hands.

“Ok talk,” she said.

“Are you allowed?” 

He didn’t want to cross any boundaries or make her uncomfortable.

“Yes Matteo, thank you for checking. I can talk to you and advise you, especially as this is a medical thing? But also you’re my friend, I want to help you,” she said.

Hanna nodded. “It’s not even really about sex,” she told Amira who nodded wisely.

“Yeah it’s my medication, Hanna’s right it’s not even about sex really, it’s how it’s making me feel,” he said.

This was about way more than sex at this point although that was at the heart of the matter, but really it was all about Matteo’s own insecurities.

“Antidepressants?”

“Yeah,” he said, leaning heavily against Hanna who started stroking his hair again.

“Libido killer?”

“Bigtime,” he admitted.

“Ok firstly is David being ok?”

“Yeah but I know it must be frustrating for him,” Matteo said.

“Eh.” Amira shrugged. 

Oh, she was so rude. David was frustrated and had told him so. David thought he was hot, how dare she? It made him smile though, eased some of his tension.

“Fuck off Amira,” he muttered.

“Matteo is worried David is going to find someone else, that he’s going to get fed up. I’ve told him it’s bullshit but you know how he is,” Hanna said.

She’d actually laughed loudly when he’d suggested that.

“David getting fed up of you is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” Amira agreed.

“No, it’s… I’ve seen it. With that guy Max from his school, we were at a party the other day and David was watching him and he just… I knew he wanted to... they were sexy dancing-”

“Max and David?” Amira asked, shocked.

“No Max and some guy and David was looking at them and he wanted to be dancing with him,” Matteo explained.

“Did you talk to him?” Amira asked.

“No of course not,” Matteo said.

Hanna sighed and shook her head. “Trust me, I think you should,” she said.

“I’m scared it’s going to prompt a conversation I’m not ready for,” Matteo said.

“David is not leaving you, not for some guy he barely knows just because he saw them sexy dancing,” Amira said.

“No that’s not it, I know he won’t leave me for them, what I’m scared of is that’s what he wants, and right now the thought of being like that makes me feel ill but even before the meds… I don’t mind mucking around and dancing or being held but I can't do that,” he said.

“Ah. What is sex for you, Matteo?”

Amira was so good at this, that was the ultimate question. He knew it was different for everyone, knew it was different even just for him and David. He supposed what he was worried about was that they were incompatible. Because he was starting to realise that his attitude to sex was a little different from the others. It always had been, it was just highlighted by the medication.

“It’s… it’s something that’s just for me and David, I love it, I love being with him, making him feel good, he makes me feel amazing and I do want it, when I’m doing better I do want it again. I miss it. But it’s only for us. And it’s just David too, I’ve never felt that kind of need before I met him. He’s special. But I’m not sexy or hot, not like that, I can’t get down and dirty in some dark club and I never could’ve,” he said.

He could try, but he didn’t think he’d ever be comfortable doing that. The thought made him feel ill. No matter how comfortable he was with David he didn’t think he could do that. He’d thought David was the same but maybe he was wrong. He supposed he was just awkward and immature, treating sex like it was this secret taboo thing. He should just get over it. 

Except it was more complicated than that. He didn’t think sex was taboo, didn’t think other’s shouldn’t be having as much of it as they wanted. He didn’t even mind the boys talking about it. To a point, there was only so much he could hear about Carlos and Kiki before he wanted to pull his own ears off.

But when it came to applying it to himself it was a little strange. He’d thought he’d just had a low sex drive until he met David, now he knew what that really felt like he knew that wasn’t it. It was more that he met David and clicked with him. He felt so connected to David, like he’d never felt about anyone before. And it was like everything else just fell into place. It was intense too, when he finally did understand what everyone had been talking about all this time. Once he got it he wanted it all the time, wanted to be intimate, close with David like that always. That was why this was such a struggle for him. He felt cold and bereft now that he couldn’t be with David in that way.

“That’s the same for me,” Amira admitted.

“Yeah?”

“Yes, or at least that’s how I see it. For different reasons I guess. But it should be something between the two of you. When I get married that’s how it will be,” she said.

“Amira, can I ask you a question?”

“Yes Matteo,” she said, he could tell she was trying to not to roll her eyes. “I guess you want to know if I want to have sex with Mohammed?”

Hanna giggled, he wondered if they all talked about this stuff together. He figured they probably did. It was good if they did. This was helping him so much. Amira thought he was implying that she wouldn’t want these normal things because of Islam. That wasn’t it though.

“No, I… I wanted to know if it’s that bad, waiting? You’re in David’s position here, and… it’s different but… don’t you get fed up? It’s not like that for me. I think I’m a bit weird, but… before the meds I wanted to be with David all the time, it was intense, I remember how intense it was. But at the same time… I would’ve been fine because it wasn’t the sex it was more the being together. And now that I feel like this, I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m overreacting,” Matteo explained.

“It is a little different, we are waiting until we’re married, that’s more of a certain thing. You two are waiting until either your meds even out or you switch up. That being said I would wait, and so would Mo, don’t listen to that shit on tv Matteo, David is not dying without sex,” she said.

“But-”

“David loves you, he will wait forever, it’s not a hardship, not like you think it is. I’m not going to say it isn’t difficult, it’s different for me and Mo in that this is a choice for us in a way but yes it’s hard.” Amira glanced between the two of them. “Sometimes I just want to kiss him senseless, hold his hand, dance with him. I can’t wait for that. But I will. If he needed time or something I would wait, and he would do the same for me, it’s easy, because I love him. David loves you, it’s hard for him I’m sure but at the same time it’ll be so easy for him to put you first.”

They both turned to Hanna for confirmation.

“I don’t know,” she admitted, “I think I could. Wait you mean? I could wait yes and I know Jonas would wait if it were me that couldn’t have sex, but if he couldn’t…”

“You would break up?”

“I think Jonas would force us to,” Hanna admitted.

And wasn’t that exactly what Matteo was suggesting right now?

“Yeah he would,” Matteo agreed

“And that would be stupid,” Amira said, sounding so wise as always.

“Sex or lack of it makes us stupid,” Hanna said.

“How are you feeling Matteo?” Amira asked.

“Good mostly, aside from this whole thing I feel good,” he told her.

“Then I’m so glad, you just keep working on you, everything else will fall into place,” Amira said.

“Thank you for talking to me about this, both of you. Amira, you get it, how David is doing right now and that helps me,” Matteo said.

“You need to talk to him,” Hanna said.

“I know,” he admitted.

“It’ll be painful but he’s not going anywhere,” Amira assured him.

He sat there a little while longer with the two of them, just talking about anything and everything to distract Amira from her upcoming exam. Until it got too much for her and she demanded they quiz her. So they did and of course, she got everything right and was very smug about it. When it was time for her to go, she made Matteo promise to talk to David, then Hanna walked him home and did the same. Except that time he got a hug for his troubles. And it gave him the push he needed to sort it all out.

He still milled about in the hallway for another ten minutes after Hanna left him. He was trying to psych himself up but all he managed was to upset himself again. So he ran up the stairs and barged into Laura and David’s apartment. He needed to speak to David right away before he lost his nerve. He tried to remember what Hanna said as she’d left, to listen to David not the voice in his head. He needed to speak up now before it got too loud, before everything got jumbled up.

He stormed into the kitchen, probably looked a bit mad if the concern on David and Laura’s faces were anything to go by. They both looked at each other worriedly. Matteo hadn’t realised how wound up he’d gotten downstairs but he was panting heavily as he tried to stay calm.

David jumped down from the stool but approached him carefully.

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong Matteo?” he asked.

“Max! Do you like Max? No, do you want to have sex with him? Or someone more like him? Someone hot and sexy and everything I’m not. I saw you looking at him, the other day at the club. He was grinding on that guy and you were just staring. They probably went back to his and had sex all night. I’m sorry that I can’t have sex right now but I don’t think I can ever do that ok? Even if I came off the meds, so if that’s what you want I can’t David, I can’t and maybe you should leave because I don’t think I’m what you want anymore. I can’t even make you feel good for fuck sakes…” he trailed off and tried not to cry.

“Let’s go to my room and talk,” David said gently.

Matteo gasped, couldn’t help it, he didn’t think David would give up this easily. Hanna had promised it would be ok.

“David,” he begged.

“Nothing bad, just privacy,” David explained, taking his hand.

Laura smiled at him gently and Matteo felt so humiliated, he hadn't meant to say all that in front of her. He followed David to his room and sat down on the bed.

David knelt in front of him.

“I don’t like Max, not like that, we’re just friends,” he promised.

“I know not Max but maybe-”

“I don’t want to have sex with him. I don’t want to have sex with anyone but you. I would like to dance with you, I like dancing with you and I miss it, I just wanted to dance with you,” David said.

So the longing had been for dancing, that did make sense. Matteo couldn’t really dance so it was more of him leaning all over David and David teasing him for his poor coordination. He liked it though, he liked the way David moved him around to the music.

“Like them?”

“Nah that was barely even dancing, more like humping on the dancefloor,” David said, laughing. “I just wanted to hold you. I wanted to hold you as close as Max was holding that random guy, but I couldn’t,” he said.

“Why not?”

“I’d had like four beers and I knew it would end up with me groping you on the dancefloor and you not saying anything, just being uncomfortable. Ok? I know that I probably could have kept it under control but I was a bit drunk and touchy-feely and… the risk of hurting you was too great,” David said.

“Oh I-”

David grabbed his face, looking serious. “Matteo I’m really struggling with what’s allowed and what’s not anymore, I’m sorry. I’m trying to be perfect and understanding but I just want to hold you and touch you all the time and it’s hard. I never wanted to be that guy, but I don’t know what to do,” David confessed.

“I… it’s my fault, not yours,” Matteo said.

David had been nothing but perfect, he was the one that kept changing the rules, no wonder David had no idea whether he was coming or going.

“No, it’s not,” David insisted, climbing onto the bed beside him.

“Yes it is I’m broken, I’m all wrong, you should just-”

“You are absolutely not broken and I’m not leaving that’s not an option Matteo. You do know it’s only you that gets me fired up like this?”

Matteo scoffed.

“Really?” he asked.

“Yeah really or… yeah I find other guys hot. I’m not blind, Max is hot, I know that and I know he’s my friend but he’s a bit of a shit, that’s not hot to me at all,” David said, wrapping Matteo in his arms and pressing a kiss to his temple.

“What? Are you slut-shaming him?” Matteo teased.

“No no there’s nothing wrong with sleeping with whoever you want, but I don’t like that he kinda leads people on, promises more than a one night stand but that’s all he ever wants,” David explained.

“Maybe he has commitment issues,” Matteo suggested.

“Oh I know he does, that’s the only reason I put up with it, he’s working on it but fuck is it unattractive. You know what I find attractive in a guy?”

“No,” Matteo mumbled, burying his head against David’s shoulder, knowing he was going to tell him and it was probably going to be about him and make him all embarrassed.

“Ok well, you are so attractive, like the most attractive guy I’ve ever laid eyes on. But then there’s all these little you things. There’s your smile, that small and cheeky one, that makes your eyes sparkle with mirth. Your mischievousness still makes me blush sometimes. The fact that you will tell me to fuck off and that you love me in the same sentence gets me so hot. And don’t get me started on when you come home from the deli and you’re all sweaty from dragging shit around all I want to do is take you to bed and take care of you. And Matteo the most attractive thing is when you say the most beautiful, perfect things and it’s all I can do not to jump you right then and there. Whether it’s to kiss you or more it’s there all the time, the way I feel about you. But I trust you too, more than anyone I’ve ever met. The trust and love we share is the reason why you’re it for me.”

Matteo thought he might just catch fire, he swore his face was tomato red after all that.

“Oh,” he whispered, trying to hide. David let him, didn’t pull him upright again yet.

“Yeah, so I think maybe our plan isn’t working because I can’t restrain myself around you. I mean I can but I’m scared of slipping up,” David said.

And Matteo got it, if David felt all that about him it was no wonder he couldn’t keep his hands to himself. Matteo was normally the same, he still wanted to touch David all the time but he’d been refraining out of his own discomfort and fear of frustrating David. Everything was so messy in his head. He didn’t know what he wanted anymore.

“What do I do?” he asked.

“I think... I think you have to guide me more with what’s allowed and what isn’t. I think I’ve been holding back too much since our talk because I’m scared you won’t voice it. I need you to, I’m fine without the sex but Matteo I need to hold you close and I’ve been holding back and it hurts.”

“I need that too, to be held, I’m sorry for all the mixed messages,” Matteo mumbled.

David just squeezed him tight.

“Are we ok?”

“We are absolutely fine Matteo, I love you so much, ok?”

“I love you too, more than anything,” he whispered.

“Doing ok?”

“Yeah, I talked to Hanna and Amira.”

“Good, I’m glad you, see look at you, talking about your issues, you’ve made such progress, I’m so proud of you,” David said.

“Thank you,” Matteo whispered.

David laid down and pulled Matteo on top of him, settling them together. He stroked his hair and continued to press gentle kisses to his lips. After a few minutes of this David’s kisses got less gentle, more urgent and slowly David rolled them so he was leaning over Matteo. But this time he didn’t freeze, didn’t panic. He just placed his hands on David’s chest and pushed him back slightly.

David just pressed his forehead against Matteo’s and giggled.

“See what you do to me?”

It was incredible to him, the way David felt about him, it felt overwhelming in the best way. He didn’t feel weak or inadequate right now. He felt powerful, that he had this effect on him. It didn't matter that he couldn’t do anything with it. It was never about that, or it was but it was always more about not being able to make David feel good. 

But David clearly felt good with him no matter what they did. Matteo thought maybe it was going to be ok, it would take time but he would get there.

It seemed once Matteo finally stopped fretting over what he could and couldn’t do, everything settled down. He felt confident that he was enough for David exactly as he was. It was a wonderful feeling, had him giddy and smiling.

It was funny too, despite the fact they weren’t having sex Matteo finally started to feel more comfortable talking about it. Yes, to him it was still this private thing between him and David but private didn’t mean secret. He could talk about it outside of the two of them more easily. Hanna and Amira kept checking in and it was never awkward like he thought it would be. Amira, being awful, knew exactly when to tease him and when he couldn’t handle it. Hanna kept them both in line when they started bickering.

Eventually, he told Jonas and the boys what was going on with him. They all apologised for teasing him at the party. Surprisingly it was Carlos who got it the easiest. Abdi didn’t understand at all, thought David was about to drop dead without any sex. Whereas Carlos told him that they were fine, their relationship was about more than sex and David knew that. That Matteo needed to remember that, that it was hard but even if they never had sex again they were solid. 

He appreciated that, had given Carlos a big hug for saying that. He loved that they didn’t think him weird or broken. They didn’t even think it was that odd, what they did focus on was how well he was doing, how happy he seemed. Because he was doing good. 

To a point.

Because as well as he felt mentally, there were other physical effects in addition to his loss of libido. There'd always been an element of fatigue but it was getting to the point where he didn’t even remember how it felt to feel awake anymore. He was so cold all the time and he kept getting sick. When he stopped eating properly Magda said enough was enough and sent him for blood tests.

David held his hand while Matteo tried not to faint. He didn’t even tease him at how pale he got. In fact, anyone would think he was going in for major surgery the way David had him in a death grip, his face so serious, staring down the doctors who were just trying to help. His boyfriend was so damn dramatic sometimes.

But his bloodwork came back clear which meant the meds weren’t working for him anymore. The negatives were outweighing the positives, and extreme fatigue like that was going to bring back the depression and leave him too weak to handle it.

A week on a new prescription and everything went the other way. Matteo wasn’t sure how he felt about it yet, but it definitely wasn’t much of a positive change yet. His brain usually ran slow, loads of thoughts all at once but always on the slow side, a lot to process. That didn’t change much on his first medication, maybe things slowed another fraction but he could cope with that, it wasn’t too different. This was something else, everything was faster and it should have made it easier to deal with all the thoughts in his brain but they were racing. All the patterns he was used to use to connect his thoughts had gone awry and he found it harder than ever to concentrate on things. 

He was warmer too, more energetic, almost bouncing with it. His sex drive was back just like he wanted, but he hadn’t done anything about it. Because most of these changes were good but he felt fucking terrible. Didn’t feel right in himself at all. He was angry all the time, rude and snappy, he kept crying over nothing. Just yesterday he’d cried because they’d run out of coffee. Then he’d shouted at David for letting them run out of coffee, even though he mainly drank tea. Then he’d cried because he’d shouted at David and that was something he never really did before.

“What did David do then?” Lea asked him.

“He gave me a hug, and then he went out and bought me more coffee,” Matteo said, tearing up at the memory because he was that ridiculous.

“Did you cry again?”

“Yeah,” he admitted, he’d cried on and off all evening.

“Ok?”

“I’m a fucking mess,” he told her. He’d never felt this messy; he could go from laughing to crying in a matter of seconds and it was very hard to keep hold of his emotions. And it wasn’t just laughing; it was unstoppable hysterics, he was so far from calm at the moment.

“I know, I warned you that you would be like this at first,” Lea said, gently.

And she had, but Matteo didn’t really have any experience feeling so out of control like this so he hadn’t really appreciated what she'd been saying.

“I’m all over the place,” he said.

“You are a very emotional person Matteo, honestly, this is more on a level with how you were before you started on your first set of medication,” Lea said.

“Is not,” he mumbled, he’d never felt like this.

“Yes it is, you were quick to anger, quick to cry, you told me you’d always been that way, that you bottled it up a lot, I think this is just making you a little more free, it’s extreme but it should settle,” she assured him.

That did make sense, perhaps this was closer to how he would be if he didn’t try to hide his feelings all the time. He certainly felt dangerously honest. The other day he’d been cooking and David was watching him. When he tasted the food and told him he was an amazing cook Matteo had gone very red. Then almost out of nowhere, he’d been hit with a wave of desire that he hadn't felt in months. He’d said to David it was a shame he had his hands full with cooking because he’d really like to get David up on the counter and make him scream. David had gone bright red and left the kitchen to calm down. Laura had just laughed and warned him not to have sex in there. He wasn’t even embarrassed, he knew it was the effect of the medication but all he felt was giddy with joy and desire. But it was like he had no filter at the moment, he would’ve never dared say anything like that before, even if he’d been thinking it.

“Yeah ok,” he said.

“And I think perhaps the first try was muting a lot more of you than perhaps we first realised, it seems like... and remember I’m not a doctor, you will need to talk to Magda, but from my experience of what you’re taking right now, it’ll bring it to the surface more and you will be forced to learn to deal with that. But I think you can, this time around you’re going to find the balance again, through thought and behaviour practices and with my help but it’s a longer process. You were in a very dark place when you started, we had little choice but to medicate you. But the progress you’ve made is you and not just the pills, and now you’re strong enough to continue the progress, with you taking over, and letting the meds help you,” she explained.

“Oh,” Matteo said.

She just smiled.

“How do you feel physically?”

“I’m hot all the time, but it’s nice. I don't mind and I think it's because I sleep. I sleep properly, it’s like before I would sleep forever and still be tired but now getting up is so much easier because I think I’m actually sleeping, like I’m a kid or something,” he told her.

“You slept better as a kid?”

“Yeah.”

“When do you think that stopped?” she asked.

“I think I started having nightmares when I was eleven or twelve, about stuff going on with my mum. My sleep has been restless since, the nightmares don’t happen so much or maybe I don’t remember them but David says I’m shuffling less, like I’m stiller?” he said.

“That makes sense, if you’re sleeping more soundly you would feel far more rested,” she agreed.

“Yeah that’s it,” he said.

“That might stop again as your body adjusts, it might overcompensate against the changes but it should return, I think this is an extreme of how you should be naturally, you will find your natural levels again,” she said.

“Lea?”

“You don’t feel good right now?”

“No,” he said, leaning back in his seat, it was weird being this awake, he wasn’t sure he liked it.

“It’s a hell of an adjustment,” she said. 

“I do feel well in my body,” Matteo told her, he didn’t want her to think he was squandering this feeling.

“Talk to me about your mind,” she suggested.

“It feels messy,” he said.

Messy wasn’t even the half of it, he felt out of control and all over the place. He always felt about two minutes away from a breakdown. 

“Elaborate,” Lea said. 

“All the crying and shouting, that’s not me,” Matteo said.

“I know, but this will settle, it’s not like before. This will pass, I’m sure of it. Can you wait it out?”

“I think so,” Matteo said.

“You don’t have to, if it’s unbearable we can try something else. But we’ll watch it, Magda will too, you have more blood tests in a couple of weeks. Let’s say if in a month if you're still a mess we will try something new,” she suggested.

Matteo just buried his face in his hands. He wondered how many times he would have to do this before they found something that worked for him.

“God,” he mumbled.

“I hope we don’t have to, but we will find something that works for you,” Lea promised.

“Ok ok,” he said.

“Trust me?”

“Yeah, thanks Lea,” he said.

He did trust her. He had told her far more than he’d ever been planning to admit when he first started seeing her. She was a great help, the reason he was doing so well right now was thanks to her. He was so grateful that they’d clicked, that she got it, got him and knew exactly how to help him.

Two days after his appointment with Lea he felt like everything was crushing him again. He’d had a bad day at work, shitty customers stressing him out which led to him making mistakes which led to more stress. He’d burnt his hand, snapped at his boss, apologised and cried in the same minute. She’d been nice about it but then the rest of his shift she’d been watching him carefully, probably worried he was about to break down. To be honest he felt like he was going to.

He was tired, absolutely exhausted but it was a different kind of exhaustion to what he was used to, the kind of exhaustion that came from hard work. Not that he didn’t work hard before he just never noticed how tired he was because of it. The low-level exhaustion he always felt overshadowed it. Now he could distinguish the two, this hit him hard and the walk home felt like it would wipe him out.

Then when he got home, back to his own apartment, he’d been ready to spend the night miserable and alone because David had a study group and then was supposed to be hanging out with Leonie all evening. He didn’t begrudge David any of it, he wouldn’t want to spend time with himself right now. 

But to his surprise, when he walked into his room David was there, sitting on the bed, what looked like pizza and ice cream on the desk, just waiting for him. He was so perfect, had inferred from Matteo’s miserable texts that he was needed, so he was there. 

Matteo didn’t even entertain the idea of reassuring David that he was fine, that he could go hang out with Leonie. Matteo wasn’t fine and he wanted to be selfish. He was allowed to be selfish sometimes. It had taken him a long time to realise it but he was allowed. He was allowed to demand David’s attention when he needed it, was allowed to take up space in his life. David wanted him to.

Matteo looked around the room and realised he’d tidied up the mess he’d left this morning. He’d made it all cosy so he could just relax. The lights were low and warm, the balcony doors were thrown open because David knew Matteo had been extra warm lately. And then there was David, just sitting waiting for him with a smile on his face.

“Thought I’d be romantic, but food poisoning isn’t that romantic so takeout will have to do, I’m not having you tease me for my cooking skills, I’m not that generous,” David said, still grinning, just waiting.

Matteo stared at him, he was trembling now, he knew what was coming and he tried to fight it.

“Teo?”

“I’ve had a shit day,” Matteo whispered.

“Yeah? Come tell me about it,” David said, patting the bed beside him.

But Matteo didn’t go over to him. He couldn’t even move. No, what he did instead was just burst into tears. Ridiculous loud hysterical tears, sobs that overtook his body and had him collapsing to the floor.

David was on him in seconds, wrapping him up in his arms, and pulling him into his lap.

“David,” he choked.

“I know, I know, I’ve got you,” David soothed.

“Shit- shit-”

He couldn’t calm down at all, he couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

“Let it out don’t fight it,” David insisted.

So he did, he fucking wept in David’s arms because his boyfriend had bought him a pizza. David just held him tight, pressed kisses into his hair, rocked them slightly until the shaking finally stopped. Matteo felt like he’d been sobbing for hours but a few minutes later he managed to catch his breath. It was shuddery but he could breathe.

“David,” he whispered.

“I’m here, keep breathing, you’re almost there,” David said, he continued to talk gently, soothing words for Matteo to focus on while he got himself under control.

“David,” he said again with more certainty this time.

David smiled down at him.

“I know, I know, keep breathing, that's it,” he said.

Matteo closed his eyes and leant into David, rubbing his tear-stained cheeks on his shirt. David didn't seem to mind, didn’t push him away.

Finally, Matteo felt calm, he looked up at his wonderful boyfriend and smiled. He felt so safe in his arms, he always felt safe with him. Safe and cared for. Loved. Being wrapped up in David was his favourite thing in the world.

Despite the sudden hysterics, he felt calm and loved and warm. He tilted his face and pressed his forehead against David’s.

“Hey baby,” he said.

“Hey,” Matteo whispered, pressing their lips together. David smiled against them, rubbing the tears from his cheeks with his thumbs. Matteo kissed him again, then again more insistently this time, lips parting so he could breathe him in. He shifted in David’s lap to get purchase. He felt more than warm now, he felt hot all over, restless like he couldn’t calm down. Oh. He hadn’t felt like this in a while. He shifted again so that he was leaning over David, pushing him against the foot of the bed.

He kissed him again hard, David didn’t complain, he responded just as enthusiastically. There was a voice in the back of Matteo’s mind warning him to slow down, that things were moving way too fast for him. But David’s hands were on his waist and that heat was threatening to overwhelm him. He didn’t think he could calm down.

He pulled back and stared at David wide-eyed and flushed.

“Hi Matteo,” David said, looking pretty dishevelled himself, his cheeks were pink and his eyes dark.

Matteo shuddered.

“David I… I need…”

He didn’t know how to voice it, he wasn’t a hundred percent sure on what he actually wanted right now but this was the closest he’d gotten to being ready for this and he didn't want to squander it. So instead he closed his eyes and leant his forehead against David’s.

“I can tell,” David murmured against his lips. Matteo knew exactly what expression he was wearing right now, that fond amusement would be written all over his face.

“David,” Matteo whispered, he just needed to calm down a little, then he would be ok.

“Just so we’re clear absolutely nothing is happening tonight,” David said.

Matteo opened his eyes at that, the thought that David would shut him down hadn’t crossed his mind.

“Baby you are all over the place, five minutes ago you were sobbing your heart out,” David reminded him.

“I know what I want,” Matteo said, but it didn’t sound that sure even to his ears.

“I believe you, I believe you want this right now in this moment but I don’t think you’ll feel the same after ok? You are going through it right now and I know it must be a nightmare,” David said. 

“I do want to,” Matteo said, but he was also aware of the relief that had crept in and quelled his panic the moment David had said no.

He wanted to but not when he was out of control like this.

“I know Matteo but-”

“No I mean I want to again, I feel, right now I’m not completely in control and I think it was all too fast just then but soon?”

David just kissed his temple.

“I’ve never felt so fucking horny,” Matteo muttered.

And it was true, he felt like there were a million emotions rushing through him but horny was certainly up there.

“Welcome to my world,” David said.

Matteo laughed and settled against him.

“I feel… I’m a total mess but I really am horny right now,” Matteo said.

David just ran his hands up and down Matteo’s arms, then pressed them under his shirt until he was shivering, wriggling around in his lap. He was making it worse, how could he calm down now?

“David,” he warned.

“You started it,” David teased.

“I... I…”

“I know, come here,” David said, kissing him and then standing up.

He pulled Matteo up with him then threw him onto the bed and climbed over him. Matteo wasn’t having that. He rolled them over so he had David pinned underneath him.

“This is new,” David mused.

“I… sorry,” Matteo said, he was feeling shy again, the way David was staring up at him wasn’t helping. 

“No, bossy I like it, keep going,” David said.

“You said we couldn’t,” Matteo said.

“And we can't, but we don’t have to stop yet,” David said.

“Yeah?”

“Kiss me,” David demanded.

Matteo did, kissed him hard, kissed him until they were both breathless and panting. He only pulled back when David’s hands crept under his shirt again.

“Feeling good?” David mumbled against his jaw, where he was pressing kisses.

“Yeah,” Matteo said, half dazed.

He pulled back and tore off his shirt so David had better access. He sat there straddling David while he ran his hands gently over his back, his chest, his stomach.

“I like that you’re warm now,” David murmured.

“It’s to do with the tiredness, I think,” Matteo explained.

The general warm feeling he’d had lately, not this fire that was burning through him right now, that was all David.

“Yeah, you have more energy and stuff. You know that conversation we had about all the things I find sexy about you?”

“Mm?”

“This is one of them,” David said.

“What?”

“You just being a bit more comfortable, more at peace with yourself, it’s fucking breathtaking Matteo,” David said, looking up at him almost reverently.

Matteo giggled, couldn’t help it he giggled and then laughed until he was in hysterics again and he couldn’t control it.

“For fuck sakes,” he muttered, trying to calm down.

David pulled him against his chest and stroked a hand through his hair while he shook with laughter.

“This is sexy too,” David said.

“Fuck off David I can’t calm down,” Matteo said, through his laughter.

“This though, this unbidden joy it’s so damn beautiful, you deserve to laugh like this all the time,” David said.

“It’s not real,” Matteo reminded him, finally starting to calm down.

“It is, it’s real feelings they’re just a little more intense than usual, you always feel more intensely Matteo, this is just part of it. It’ll even out but it’s still real and it’s beautiful,” David said.

“I don’t know if I’m happy, how do I know if it’s me or the meds?”

“It’s not supposed to make you happy, you do that yourself, it’s not always easy, but that’s what the meds are for to help you do that,” David explained.

“Ok thank you Dr Schreibner,” Matteo teased.

“Don’t be a little shit,” David warned.

“You love when I’m a little shit,” Matteo reminded him.

“God help me I do,” David said.

“I don’t want to have sex, I thought it did but I don’t. I’m just a bit of a mess of emotions, I don’t even know what I want,” Matteo said.

“I do.”

“What’s that?”

“Pizza and cuddle,” David told him.

“That sounds amazing,” Matteo said.

“Wanna eat, cuddle up and bitch about your day?”

“I would fucking love to,” Matteo said.

“Love you,” David said, pressing kiss after kiss to his face.

“Love you too, David you’re the best,” he whispered.

He lay against him and David pulled the blankets around them then grabbed the food. Matteo didn’t even feel silly hiding under all the covers. He felt safe and calm wrapped up in bed with David. A feeling of complete contentment settled over him.

“I’m going to be ok,” he said, realising it as he said it.

“Yes you are,” David agreed, dividing up the pizza and pushing it towards him.

“I… David all this time I’ve been waiting for it not to work, for Lea or Magda to say ‘Matteo you’re a hopeless case’ that’s not going to happen. David I’m going to be ok.”

“I know. What made you realise?”

“I don't know. No… I’m ok. Right now I’m so ok and even if it goes away again it’ll come back won't it?”

“Always,” David promised.

“So I know now, it’ll be ok,” Matteo said.

David just smiled and kissed his cheek. “You will be ok, you absolutely will and I can’t wait,” he said.

“For everything to come?”

“For everything to come,” David agreed.

Matteo smiled and settled back, revelling in this contented feeling. He couldn’t wait either. He knew this feeling wouldn’t last but then that wasn’t how anything worked. He couldn’t feel like this all the time. But he would get it back every time. He’d never felt so strong, so sure of himself. He was a total mess but for the first time in a long time, that horrible little voice in his head was being drowned out by David, by Lea, by his friends. But also by his own more positive voice. Because he trusted himself now. He was going to be ok and the future looked good.


End file.
